The struggle has been real…

Where do I even begin? 🤷‍♀️ Life has been a roller coaster ride for the last couple months or so. Life has gotten dark again inside my head. I feel like I have once again hit rock bottom. A place I hate to be. Many times thoughts of suicide have entered my mind. I have spent countless days crying. If it wasn’t for the bestest friends a girl could ask for I am not sure I would be here to write this blog to you lovely people. I am determined to fight the demons, as hard as it may be. I am hoping to win the fight. In the mean time I thought it might help to write it all out. My Parabatai, Sarah, writes hers out in a journal and she says it helps. I thought I would try the same thing. Only I want to blog about mine. Who knows it might help not only me but someone else. I have struggled with depression since my dad died when I was 14. It has sucked so bad. Specially all those years of having NO help and no idea how to get help either. It wasn’t until these last 4ish years or so that I have found a small group of besties that have helped me reach out. I don’t believe I will ever be cured and I am ok with that. I just want to start feeling better, enjoying life, following my dreams and being a better mother to my kids. I feel like I have failed them so bad. Luckily they have an amazing dad (or in the case of my 2 oldest kids, amazing parents. They are adopted. Another story for another Catch Up Sunday) to be there for them while I work on myself. It has been difficult getting back on my feet as a single person. Luckily my soon to be ex-husband has been understanding, even during my paranoid moments when I think he is going to try and take my kids away from me forever. Man I am so messed up. 🤦‍♀️ I am working on finding a good job I can stick with. It’s embarrassing to admit how many jobs I have been through just since March 2018. Tomorrow I have hopes that something good is in the works for a steady job with good benefits (which I need desperately for my mental health) and good pay. I have this problem of trying to make a 5 year plan and thinking so much about the future that I forget about the present. I need to start taking it one day at a time. Which will be hard for me. But I can do it!

I have like 12 book reviews I plan to catch up on. I have falling behind on reviews due to my mental health. I enjoy blogging and I believe getting back to it will help tremendously. So watch for those to start posting soon. I still have been reading even with my mental health issues. I love that I can get lost in another world. It does help some.

Currently reading:

I am starting this book today. I have been in the mood for a good ghost story lately. I hope it’s good and creepy. Has anyone read it yet? It will be my first Peter Straub book. I know a few bookstagramers that rated it pretty high. I’m going to try and not go into it with high hopes.